Hey, lots of you have been sending me your comments on Facebook. That's fine, but...

... I'd prefer if you embedded the comments below the articles. That way we can see more fights when people disagree!

And besides, I do my best to respond to all your comments, so check back often for what I say about you behind your back... and tell your friends to come along, too!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

World Peace Through Higher Gasoline Consumption

I just heard on the radio and read on the net that Chevy is coming out with a new vehicle that will get a whopping 230 miles per gallon. And that's city-mileage, baby, so who knows what it can do on the freeway?

Well, that depends on where you're at, I guess. If you live in Idaho, you'll probably get higher mileage - like infinity miles per gallon (I'm rounding); if you live in Los Angeles, where I operate, you might get lower mpg... like 4. Which is still an improvement.

At any rate, hearing that information absolutely floored me. And it led to an obvious question and an obvious danger in my mind: if all cars start getting that kind of fuel efficiency, what are we going to do with all our extra gas?! I mean, we can't just let it sit there in its crude form in the ground, just doing nothing. We're not wasteful like that. "Find a use for it and use it": that's the American Way (the American Way used to be "Work real hard and buy a house for financial security," but we all know how that turned out).

So what to do, what to do?

The obvious answers are always an option: use the extra gas to feed hungry children, or to cure cancer, or to end the worldwide polio epidemic.

What? They already took care of that one? Coolio. So now we're down to even fewer options.

And then, driving to work, it hit me: we can use our extra gas to end global warming! "What?" you say. "End global warming with gas? How is it possible?"

Here's how it works. We all know that the sea levels are rising as a result of the ice caps melting. Or at any rate, we all know that who say we all know that. Some people say we haven't actually proved that, and we respect their opinions, but for now we'll just ignore them and call them "the crazy people."

So all of us (not "the crazy people") get all our gas out of our old cars - which we will immediately throw away* when this new Chevy Volt comes out because we will immediately want to get this fuel-efficient gift from the heavens (or from Olympus - we don't discriminate in this blog). We then take that gas and pour it on the beaches on the major coastlines of the world.

Then we light it all on fire.

I anticipate the heat generated will boil the beach water. This will cause steam to rise, and kick-start the rain-cycle which should drop more water over our polar areas, thus adding to our polar ice caps. Not only that, but the water that is boiled away means an automatic, instantaneous drop in the world's sea level. You can thank me later, Netherlands.

AND when all the gas is burned off, I bet there will be plenty of boiled fish washing up on the shores. We just have UPS standing by for shipment to underdeveloped nations, and WHAMMO! we've also just solved world hunger.

So is this sounding great, or what? I know, I know, there are a few obvious kinks in the process, like: what if people in areas of world hunger don't like fish? But these things iron themselves out, I assure you.

So let's all get ready. 2010 is when the Chevy Volt is scheduled to arrive. The year we all turn fuel economic on the freeway and use the earth's remaining gasoline and oil to solve global warming, world hunger, and I wouldn't be surprised if it accidentally also cures cancer.

* Where will we throw away our old cars? I dunno. You can't expect me to think of everything. But probably just in some big hole somewhere. That way, they won't hurt anything.


Chad said...

Its hard to be a hippie tree hugging Subaru driver with a wife that works for a oil company. I experience cognitive dissonance daily.

Jeremy Dodd said...

If we light all our beaches on fire at the same time, we'll immediately have to deal with the inevitable world fire shortage, and I'm not sure you're prepared to deal with that, are you, Mr. Smartypants? ARE YOU???

Michaelbrent said...

Chad, that sounds rough. ;o) Good thing she has such great qualities!

Jeremy: you're one of those glass-half-empty types, aren't you? And FYI, I am in fact wearing my "smartypants" - specifically the iPants, which keep my toosh at exactly the right temp at all times. So there.

Chris Barbey said...

The 230mpg figure for the Chevy volt is a bit of twisted math from GMs marketing department. The honest way to describe it is to say "Up to 40 miles without consuming gas, and then 50 miles per gallon".

steve said...

There is no Dana.

Michaelbrent said...

Chris: where do you get your info on the Volt? As much as I make fun, I also actually follow the stories I write about (eek!). Is there a website or some link to show the info about true EPA? Because the info I got was 40 miles 'til battery runs out, then probable mpg in the three digits.

Steve: There is only Zuul.

monika said...

As a mother of several pyromaniacs, we all say, "Bring on the fire." And as for the Volt, I'll sign on to anything that will get the car companies to make a 12 passenger van that is a hybrid. Oh, come on! It is NOT a pipe dream!

No, I'm wrong, and you're right. I see it now, the whole "only little cars as hybrids" thing IS a leftist plot to limit the size of families! Crap. I wanted to believe that the conspiracy theorists were wrong on this one, but YOU have convinced me. I am a registered whacko now, and it is all YOUR fault, Michaelbrent.
Don't forget that I am responsible for training the minds of many kidlets, so when you mess with this brain, you mess with sooo many others as well. *g*

Michaelbrent said...

Monika, keep it down! If you talk too loud, "they" come for you... and take away any children in excess of 2.2. It's messy.

monika said...

::thinks really long and hard about whether or not she wants to be quiet::

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