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... I'd prefer if you embedded the comments below the articles. That way we can see more fights when people disagree!

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Monday, July 13, 2009

I'm Too Sexy For Hi-Def...

This blog owes everything to Big Porn.

So I just wanted to acknowledge that fact, to give a shout out to all my naked homies and homie-ettes who make this possible.

Thank you, naked people.

Now, before you family-oriented, morally well-adjusted, god-fearing folk out there get ready to start sending me hate mail, let me explain… and then let me tell you something you might find a bit interesting.

The reason I say that this blog owes everything to porn is the fact that that industry drives a huge amount of the internet, and essentially that industry is the one that first figured out not how to disseminate information on the web, but how to turn a profit doing it. So in a way, much of what we enjoy on the internet is there because of enterprising naked people. Or, at least, because of enterprising people willing to exploit naked people.

It’s the same with the First Amendment. We all know about it, we all hear it bandied about in news reports and lawsuits. But most folks don’t realize that the two groups probably most responsible for “cutting edge” First Amendment law are pornographers and Jehovah’s Witnesses.*

And yes, that’s probably the last time you’ll ever here THOSE two groups talked about in the same sentence.

At any rate, back to my thesis (ooh! A Big Word! “Thesis.” Say it ten times fast and you sound ten times smarter!)…

The point of this is to say that pornography has generally been at the forefront of media technology. They glommed onto moving pictures at the Nickelodeons, they capitalized on cable, they trailblazed the VCR and DVD businesses.

Which makes it funny that… get this… Big Porn (or BP for short) is opposed to a certain new media technology. Any guesses which one? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

All right, I’ll tell you. BP is really digging in its heels and resisting the transition to hi-def.

What? you say. But why? Could it be that (gasp), the “starlets” of BP maybe aren’t so pretty when you actually get a look at them?

I dunno. I’ve never met one. But it does seem to make a certain sense to me. I’ve done some research into the area during my sojourns in law, and it turns out that a huge number of the BP stars die rather young. Either drugs, STD’s, or just good-ol’-fashioned suicide. The type of life they lead (contrary to the average frat boy’s dream) is not only not fun, it’s totally against what we as humans are designed for.

All that is to say, I guess, that I do want to thank BP. Thank you for keeping the internet afloat until I could come along and scatter my seeds of wisdom through the fallow fields of your willing minds, my dear faithful readers.

Thank you, thank you.

But is it all right, my BP patrons, if I thank you from afar? Not only do I not want to catch any weird cooties, but (and I hope I don’t sound shallow here)… I hear you guys just aren’t that easy on the eyes.

* They’re involved in different aspects of First Amendment law, though. One (BP) is more on the freedom of speech side, one (Jehovah’s Witnesses) is more on the freedom of religion side.


Matthew said...

How appropriate to talk about people in their birthday suits on the birthday of the USA. I got a good chuckle out of this. Thanks for your insightful thoughts and gems of wisdom, and thank you BP for helping pave the way for me to partake of such knowledge!

Gomberg said...

I've seen a few BP stars in person in my day (don't ask) and yeah, I'll take grainy VHS over BluRay Hi-Def any day of the week.

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